My husband, Bill, recently bought us a chess set. We are both beginners at chess. We have played two games. The first game we played together, I won. A couple of nights ago, I thought I was winning again, but suddenly I was checkmated. I didn’t see it coming.
When I was a child, I was well-known in my family for being a bad sport whenever I lost a game. Monopoly and Risk were the two games I especially remember playing. I played most often with my older brother, John. I know I threw up the board many times when it was clear I was losing. Another manifestation of my bad sportsmanship was a retort that I used: “In my mind, I won!” It surprises me still how upsetting that was to John. We both knew I had lost, but that would frustrate John grievously. It’s amazing how powerful those words were.
Bill and I play games now many evenings after we quit working for the night. It often seems like a positive alternative to watching TV. I love playing games, but I see my competitive nature come out when I play games. I have changed some from my childish self. I don’t mind losing occasionally! We do some trash talking over our games of Nerts. Losing over and over is still hard for me. In the last several years, I have thrown up one game of Nerts and given up a few times at Sudoku to deprive my husband of the victory. Most of the time however, I maintain a civil congratulatory demeanor, but inwardly I might be giving myself a therapeutic pep talk. “It’s okay to lose.” Or, “I don’t want to be the kind of bad sport that takes all the fun out of it for him.” It’s amazing to me how good it feels to win, and how powerful it feels to lose. Am I still that childish and competitive? Am I still a bad sport deep down?
As Christians, we live in the “already” and the “not yet” of the process of sanctification. That means we are “new creatures” in the process of being transformed or renovated by the Holy Spirit (the already), but the process won’t be complete till we step into heaven (not yet). It’s a process that feels so encouraging at some moments and so pitiful at others. Like when I threw up the board again at age 60-plus. Pitiful. But there are also wonderful times when I am more in step with what the Spirit is doing, more cooperative. In those moments, it’s striking to me how good it is for my soul to lose. There was an expression we used to hear: “You win some, you lose some.” Maybe people still say that, but I wonder if many of us have become seriously addicted to winning. Many people won’t participate in anything in which they cannot win, or in which they don’t excel. Our self-esteem is affected by not winning, or by being mediocre at something. Nevertheless, I find it to be conducive to fellowship to join in a game or an activity even though I might lose. It humbles me. That by itself is good. It gives me an opportunity to make myself relax and remember who I really am and what makes me valuable. The most defining thing about me now that God has renovated me in significant ways is that I know I am loved by Him and He has empowered and commissioned me to love others. Losing gives me an opportunity to congratulate the winner and to enjoy their company.
The other night when I lost at chess, I felt genuinely delighted to congratulate my husband. I can lose again! I can also try to play better each time, so that it will still be fun for both of us. It’s a small thing, I know. But that doesn’t mean it has no significance for growth or for giving.