Let me start by saying I am not miserable! But life is full of trials, small and large, which prevent me from carefree happiness. Even in our smaller trials, the adage I have used for my title today holds true in my life. Sometimes I relate a trial with a friend and if they share that experience it makes the trial lighter. But if they haven’t been similarly afflicted, and they express no recognition of the difficulty, I suddenly feel alone. As I think honestly about what would be the most consoling response – namely that they suffer from the same condition – I am convicted of my selfishness. If I have to suffer something, I don’t want to be the only one. But that means that I prefer that you also are suffering the same. If I turn the situation around and you are the one suffering, would I wish it upon myself to have the same adversity? Not usually! I seem to hold a double standard!
Meaningful empathy helps mitigate the aloneness and even lessens the misery. Recently one of my granddaughters got a small but painful burn on her hand. She wept piteously for quite a while afterwards, longer than I thought was merited by the injury. I expressed some sympathy, but perhaps not enough. Coincidentally, two weeks later I burned my hand, and wow! It hurt a lot! I wasn’t weeping like a 7 year old, but still Bill was repeatedly sympathetic, which was surprisingly consoling. Then the other day, the same granddaughter skinned her knee and was crying over it. I already know how much that hurts, having skinned my knee as an adult and being surprised by how much it hurt. (For years, I told my kids “you’re all right!” without really knowing.) As my granddaughter sat on the sidewalk crying, I told her about my burn, and it stopped her crying! She got up and resumed scootering with minimal whimpering. It seemed like my commiseration with even her past experience of pain helped her.
As I was still thinking about my selfishness, my pastor preached on Romans 12. Verse 15 reads “Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep.” The Bible tells us to join in both rejoicing with others and weeping. It’s not always easy to rejoice with others, when we have not received the same blessing. This is the flip side of my unhappiness when I am the only one suffering a particular trial. These disparities of experience raise complaints in my heart of unfairness. They tempt me toward self-pity, envy and anger. Romans 12:15 exhorts me to resist envy and to show sympathy. This verse is not enjoining a mere outward expression of sympathy, but a heartfelt rejoicing and weeping. I know this because verse 9 states “Let love be genuine.” Our sympathy is an expression of love, solidarity and unity with others, so much that we actually feel joy or pain with them.
There will be times when I don’t experience from others the encouragement of sharing my joy or the consolation of sympathy with my trials. People disappoint at times, but the Lord is steadfastly compassionate (Psalm 103 reminded me this week). The writer to the Hebrews assures us that Jesus sympathizes with our weaknesses (Hebrews 4:15 stated positively). That must buoy me. With His Spirit, his very presence to counter my aloneness and to strengthen me, I want to be a person who holds myself to a “double standard” which is contrary to my natural inclination. With help from the Lord, I want to release others when they fail to share my joys and sorrows, but hold myself to the commandment of Romans 12:15. I especially want to give company to the miserable, not by joining in my own hopeless complaint or bitter cursing, but in validating and mourning the pain of their suffering. The Lord who “kept count of my tossings and put my tears in his bottle” (Psalm 56:8) will empower me to become more like Him. Because it is Good Friday as I post this, I am reminded that Jesus’ death on the cross is the ultimate example of entering into our misery. He did not merely empathize, though empathy is a valuable gift to our fellow humans. He uniquely took our sins upon himself and removed our guilt, penalty and fear of death. His death and resurrection gives us real power to obey any and all of his commandments to love God and our neighbors as ourselves.